Maybe

Maybe I am an angry person. It pisses me off when I am getting an A in my English class, yet in Zoology I am getting a B because the teacher is nitpicking my papers. He says he is just grading it as an english professor. No, because english professors are more open to writing style. He gave me 19 out of 25 because he didn't like my word choice! I had my english professor look at it and she said it looked great!
I love the subject of Zoology, but I imagine a fork sticking out of my teachers eye every time I see him!

Angry

"Do you ever get tired of being an angry person?"

That was the question I was asked the other day!

I promise you that I am not angry. I am simply frustrated and worn out.

I am just done with life and the people I deal with in it on a daily basis. I feel a little used for others' gain.

I'm sorry if that is to honest, but that is the truth. I feel very overwhelmed at times because I just can't be everything for everyone. 

For example: I helped a women's daughter sign up for the community college here in town. After I had helped her do the online paperwork and taken her down to the college for a quick tour of the campus, I took her home. At her house the women asked if I was voting this year. I told her that I was not able to because I wasn't registered for this state and that I hadn't figured out how to get the AZ paper ballot. I was then chewed out for a good five minutes! I'm sorry that I didn't have the extra hundred dollars to switch to my driver's license to Maryland. I am also sorry that you are dumb and too lazy to help your own daughter sign up to go to college. May I also add that this women asked me to come over in the past and help with signing up her daughter, and I put aside time to do so and last minute she told me not to come over because she (the women not the daughter) had too much to do. 

Yes, I am sorry that I am an angry person. I am also sorry that I don't have more to give. it is just what it is I guess.
P.S.
On top of chewing me out for that, when I said that I was going to grab lunch with a friend, she said that if I "set my priorities straight" I would have the money to have my license switched over.

No. I'm not angry at all. I'm just done.

I Love it When...

People say stupido things like, 

"I know how you feel"

"I understand what you are going through"

Or even better yet,

"I completely understand because..." and then they go to their story.

I know that in life that others understand what is going on, but they in no way understand how the other is feeling. It isn't possible. It is simply a figure of speech. 

People often say that artists are tortured individuals. In complete honesty, we are simply the only ones who are willing to express the feelings inside in a way that is visible to others. Without a way to express ourselves we would be tortured.

 I wish I was better at expressing myself with words. I wish that with all my heart. I can't do that without hurting others I feel though. Whenever I open up I feel I hurt those that are closest to me. I used to carry notebook after notebook around with me. Now, I have tools of the artist's trade. I create plans and pieces. I try to create art. There is no true definition of what art is. The artist is only limited to the imagination.

I hate election years because that is all I hear about! I don't care anymore. I really, honestly don't care about who gets elected because they are both corrupt politicians. Did anyone else know that there was a 6.4 earthquake in Japan Oct 1st? I didn't because I didn't hear it on the news because they are only reporting propaganda for the election. I also didn't hear anything on Yahoo! or Google about the 7.7 earthquake in Canada other then the report I looked up on CNN.
I don't want to hear more lies about what the next President will supposedly do for the country. That is the fact of the matter.

the way I eat candy

According to my friend Paige, I eat my 3 Musketeers candy bar inappropriately. 

"you are not supposed to strip your candy bar!"

She also claimed that I was eating "Nude-get"

Hahaha. Thanks Paige!

my art

 I may be demented, but I love what I do.

Stay tuned for the next part of the series.

Dear Cold...

I hate you. I hate that my ears freeze when I run in you and that my eye glass frames are frozen by your slightest breath. I don't like my chilly toes (even when I am wearing two layers of socks), or my drippy nose.
I do like the colors that you make the leaves and hot chocolatey mornings. Snuggling on the couch with a blanket while watch old musicals. I even like the way frost looks on the windows.
I beg you: please don't let it snow for at least another month. I might not do well if you bring that dreaded, fluffy stuff.
Sincerely,
the girl that is shivering in the library.

Dylan

The only thing I want at times is to hear my best friend's voice on the other side of the wire. I didn't think that two years would be that long. It is just the few times I take the time to slow down that the flood gates open.

Without Art the Earth Would be Eh

I want to create art that makes people think. I want to challenge what is in their minds as normal and make them want more. I want to show them that there is more than just their opinions that matter. I want to show them what they have never felt before. It isn't about shocking people to me. It isn't about making them judge something that they are looking at in a way that they deem worthy. It is about showing them what I have to say, how I feel, and what I want them to know that they didn't previously know. Art is about sparking ideas and inspiring others to make a difference. Art is part of who I am and always has been. It was there for me when I felt that no one else was. It has and always will inspire me. Ultimately, it is about point of view. You can have a thousand people draw the Grand Canyon, but still end up with a thousand different unique pieces. Art is a huge part of my identity. I wouldn't change that for the world.

Laughing till the Tears Fall Down

This week is going to be an adventure. The Rondo is in the shop getting fixed; Thus, dad needs to use the Buick to get to work. I am being dropped off at school after Quayde is finished with seminary. He has to be at Seminary by 6 AM. We have to leave the house at 5:35 AM. If I want to shower then I have to either take one before bed or get up early to get one before we leave. I start class at 8:30 AM and end at 5:20 PM. Thursdays I have Institute after school that I drive and hour to get get to. It starts at 8 PM. Did I mention that it takes almost 45 minutes to get home from school? This is going to either be a really amusing week for those that have the pleasure of being within ear shot of me, or a complete melt down on my part. If you think about it, both of those are likely to happen at the same time depending on if you are you or myself. I say this because I was in tears laughing this morning over Hell knows what! Thank goodness I only have to be at the La Plata Campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays. No one quite knows how long it will take to get the Rondo fixed. It is only the Air conditioning that needs to be repaired. Knowing dealerships though, it will take a while.
Day one. let the count down begin!

ME...

I love funky jewelry! it makes me laugh really hard when people walk up to me and ask, almost in a discussed tone," what are you wearing?"
I simply reply, " my personality."

The little things

It is always the little things in life that make you laugh your guts out. A great example of this is the story that my mom told me this morning of the evening's misunderstanding.
My Nana and her best friend Rose were here visiting for a few days. Sadly, they left this morning. Last night however my mom was showing them my...cough, cough.. I mean her favorite toy she was given last Christmas. Being the excitement of the toy ( a silhouette cameo) and it being their last night with us they were up quite late. I was not as big on the idea of staying up all hours because I had a long day at school and was looking forward to a soft, sad bed that was in need of some comforting and quality time. I had a lot to carry upstairs from my car and thought I had been successful in not dropping anything on the way. This morning I was informed otherwise.
I always carry a few hand sanitizing wipes with me everywhere I go. I am unfortunately running out of the nice ones I purchased in AZ the last time I visited. They are Giovanni towelettes that smell of lavender. Just looking at them and not knowing that they are hand wipes anyone would think that they are ...cough, cough... not hand wipes. So when dear, sweet Rose picked it up and gave it to my mother with a look I can only imagine to be a combination of humor and horror; my mom was ecstatic that I had dropped it and was now claiming it for her own!  Can you not imagine her jumping up and down saying, "It's one of the good one! I'm so not going to give this back to her!"
She didn't actually tell Rose or Nana that it wasn't a condom so I have no idea what they would have thought at the excitement of my mother's "it's mine, I'm not giving it back" dance.
I love our family!

Again?...

If I don't start expressing myself again then I will not survive this next few months. I was told by a friend and relative that they missed my blog. Here you are! I will try again for me and for you. I will be completely honest though and that is my only disclaimer. If this is for me then it will really be for me. Not for the reader. I love to write, but often don't let myself do so because of the labels I put on it: I don't want others to be because it is not good enough, or I don't have to time right now because... You get the picture. 

I write because it makes me feel whole. When I was a lot younger I used to carry notebook after notebook with me so that I could have that release. I stopped that because of the labels I started to put on my life. I still need that release, but have turned to other things such as Dr. pepper and over loading myself with so much to do that I can't breathe let alone take care of myself. Even now as I am typing this I feel the pressing need to cry because for the first time in a long time I feel like I am being honest with myself.

So, here I am. Being honest!

Offended?

This morning I was Visiting with some of the ladies in my church. About half way through the three of us talking the lady to my left turns to me and says," you so remind me of Bella from Twilight! the Beautiful dark hair, fair skin, and that you just moved here from Arizona." I know that I might get shot for this, but I don't like Twilight and never will. I have read part of it once. don't get me wrong she is a good Author(some would say), but I am not into the vampires and I don't like the way that she writes. I am also LDS like the author and do not agreed with some of the things that are in her writing. I know that every other little Mormon girl has read the books, but I am not most Mormon girls! I like to read stuff that has more substance to it than just a fling read. Thanks for the compliment of a character that i know that you like! :)

Kathryn Schulz: On being wrong | Video on TED.com

Kathryn Schulz: On being wrong | Video on TED.com


I Have had a lot of theories, philosophies and beliefs. But sometimes, sometimes they just didn't end up the way I hoped, and I am left standing thinking,' I was just ignorant or to proud?'. Sometimes we just have to say 'I don't know' and admit we are wrong.

Mine once again!

I wrote this on the plane ride back to Maryland. I was tired and grumpy. I didn't really want to leave the heat or my friends/family. But here I am, still wanting to know what I am doing here.

Mine once again

From the smell of the dust in the air to the way the ground is so dry, I have missed everything about you.
Your bright, hot, unforgiving sun I have craved for you long from the hell I know dwell in.
I see my solo friends with their arms in the air, almost as though they are greeting me.
'Salutations, Sir. Saguaro!' though unmoving his arms, and his dangerous lips do not open, he says more than the coyotes at night.
'Your home! Now please stay." His plea is not the only one. The rocks, the lizards, and even the few plants appear from no where to give me this same plea.
Wet magic slips from my eyes as I turn away. 'Please, do not ask me today.' as a gentle breeze pulls dust past my face I wish I could give them a different answer.
But for now the West is mine! so I raise my head to its sun, and let him sizzle my tears away. For today this is mine, my Arizona once again.

In this new land I live in, there is no such thing as happy smiles. No matter where you go you will find a sad expression and a growl. Why is this?! I think that only at church have I seen a smile and a welcoming expression. Even then, there is some forlornness in their eyes. Sometimes I feel like I am being sucked into the towns depression. Being someone that has lived in the same state for almost of my whole life, this is still new to me.
Yesterday I had a very funny thought. What if someone from here moved to my little home town? They would think we were all on drugs! No seriously, they would think that they had moved to a town that had lost their marbles some where along the way. There are always smiles and funny things happening. And my town is a small little nothing in the middle of the pretty much no where. But because of that the people who live there know how to entertain themselves.
What could make this place so sad? Any ideas?!
Only three more days...

I'm sorry

I was not aware until a day or so ago that my posts were being put up on Facebook! I think I changed stuff around so that won't happen anymore. I don't mind people reading my post, but I don't want it posted all over a public page that is viewed by a lot of people.

With that said! I feel the need to say sorry to anyone I have hurt in anyway, shape, or form. I just became aware of a friend that felt I had been doing things on purpose to hurt others. That is not the case, but now there is nothing I can do but hope that this individual and others will remember what kind of person I am, and that that will stand to rectify the misunderstandings.

There are things I don't understand about girls. Though I am one, I also didn't go to high school. I also only have ever had one or two friends in the past that were girls. No I am not kidding. The only way I knew about the high school drama was through other people. Eventually I was involved in a little myself, which made all the more aware of my gratitude to my Mum for not public schooling me. I know that there are advantages and losses to ever form of schooling, and I know that Home Schooling was the best choice for me.
There is little more I can say on the matters above but hope that they are taken the right way.

Sometimes I like to be read to

Can you remember those books that you used to read over and over again? I have one of those books. I first read Little Women when I was 10, and have read it many times since then. As you can imagine-in my mind- I was always Jo. Always wanted to be something I wasn't.
Reading has been my escape from life right now, and as I am in the middle of two other books I decided that I would get the audio book of Little Women instead this time. I feel like I am 12 years old again! I listen and all I can think of are times that were simple. I was the most awkward child growing up. believe you me, but it was the year I was most happy. I wasn't worried about boys or how I looked, unlike most of my friends at the time.If I was smart enough, or even if others would like being around me. I was just fighting, and losing against growing up.
It was the year before my mum got remarried, the year before I met my first heart break, and a year-ish before I moved to Prescott.
All of these were good improvements in my life though I didn't know it at the time.
I know I am here for a reason. It may just be to want simplicity in my life again. Who knows! But I am here, and I am healing for the first time since I was at that simple age in life. I may just find it again:)

Why do we Collect them?

Last semester we were told to look at this painting by Edward Hopper, and take inspiration from it. I loved this exercise. We only did it once but I have done it on my own a few times since. I thought I would share it.

My train arrives at 6:15 and I am leaving New York forever. Have you ever heard the phrase,
“ You’ll collect more bees with honey than you will with vinegar.”? My grandmother has told me that since I was quite young. Why do we want to collect these bees though?
Thinking you know something is admitting ignorance. I had all I wanted yet there is nothing I want more than my freedom, and that thing we call ignorance. I had the husband of high standard, the house, and the social life sticky of people who pretend they care. My miscarriage is what made me really see what was being woven around me.
Affairs, illegal trades and secrets. Secrets, that I helped make and keep. I had what most people would call an emotional break down. I call it my wake up call. I cut my hair and am dressed so that no one will recognize me. Even though there is only one person here other than myself. I feel as though there are a thousand tiny eyes watching my every move.
So yes I leave husbandless and with little money in my shallow pockets. My absence will go unnoticed for a little while and when the questions start arousing I will be no where they can find me.
Yes I say this with the slightest of smiles. I have please everyone other than myself and this is where I start. That and thinking for myself. No more will I collect these God forsaken bees! Because now I am the queen. One with no subjects and no home. Oh where will my hive be?

This helped get me my finally grade, because it showed that I could use original voice and metaphor on the spot that was completely original. we only had about 7 minutes to do it. I read this the other day and just made me think about the metaphor I was trying to should here. Why do we feel like we need to please others, and do what in the end hurts us? That isn't what is meant to happen in our lives. It wasn't what was planned for us, and we shouldn't make it what our lifes are. we have a purpose. we shouldn't waste it. I hope you enjoy it.